Avant d'être ta mère, j'étais une femme
The pursuit of personal pleasure, whether through sexuality, self-care, or creative pursuits, can be seen as transgressive, a reclaiming of agency over one's body and desires.
Last week, in a conversation, I scrunched up my nose at a question about my relationship with my mother and said tactfully, “…meine Mutter hat das Muttersein nie genossen” - My mother did not enjoy motherhood.
Not only did she have two (weird, adorable, desperate-for-her-love) daughters, she had almost unlimited access to jewelry, luxury bags, vacations and fine foods and finer wines and the money and financial security to buy it with, but she appeared to gain pleasure from none of it.
She was the type of person that would order a chicken breast in a steak restaurant.
She rarely laughed at our jokes or little mischiefs, and in our adulthood, our gifts of luxury items like the designer bags or fancy creams she asked for were taken more as a duty, not gifts freely given.
She said very little, but we noticed the small things, the narrative, the ongoing repetition, see what I am sacrificing, see how I suffer, see how I give up sleep and food and joy FOR YOU.
Yes, motherhood can be challenging. Sacrifice is a part of it, but it is not all of it. I love that I am alive. And at the same time, for so many reasons, I wish my mother had not had children. For her sake, and for ours.
The Challenge
In an effort to break this cycle, I am committing to finding and prioritising my pleasure - both because my life is singular and precious, and also as an act of resistance against these deeply ingrained expectations:
Culture: Asians, Asian women, Asian mothers, are often found at the very bottom of the cultural totem pole. Model minorities. Sacrifice, selflessness, and abandoning personal desires to the well-being of the child and family are seen as a given.
Race/Gender/Sex: It is no secret that Asian women are especially objectified and fetishised as objects of (sexual, social, emotional) satisfaction for (mostly white) men. Making the pursuit of my pleasure a priority asserts her own needs and desires in the face of the cultural tension in the predominantly white, patriarchal environment of Switzerland, as well as the tension of gender roles in my marriage.
Social: Motherhood can be all-consuming. Pleasure is revolutionary because it challenges the narrative that mothers must sacrifice all of their time and energy for their children. By claiming and loudly celebrating my moments of joy and fulfilment, whether through self-care, intimacy, or creative expression, I resist the societal pressure that equates good motherhood with constant self-denial.
What is Pleasure?
Don’t worry, I am not turning this into smut column. I intend to keep it mostly PG, out of respect for my marriage first, and readers second ;)
Here, I define pleasure as a way for me to maintain my self - how I connect with old and new passions, desires, and aspirations, which might be overlooked otherwise.
Rediscovering or embracing pleasure in a world where very few people ever prioritise or notice me becomes a revolutionary act of self-assertion—claiming space where I would otherwise be invisible.
What is Desire?
I admire my toddler. I admire that he is all id, all desire, he wants and he wants and he wants. I want some of that wanting energy for myself. To want something is courageous - his courage to own what he wants and to declare his desires and enjoy their fulfilment to the fullest comes from youth. Everything is new, everything is wonderful.
Not being gifted with the lightness of youth, I suppose mine will have to be made up of one part wisdom, and one part ruthlessness.
A Desirable Side-Effect
I want the men and boys in my life and in the world to see that women, and mothers in particular, have the capacity and the human right to their own happiness and desires, subtly challenging patriarchal structures that might otherwise perpetuate the idea that a mother’s (or a woman’s) sole purpose is to serve others.
This title, by the way, was inspired by Taty Macleod’s Beach Parenting video (watch it!!!) -
“est ce que j'ai le droit de me détendre…Avant d'être ta mère, j'étais une femme!”
I also want to be able to also say - before I was your mother/wife, I was a woman already. When I became your mother/wife, I was still a woman. And after I am done with that role, whether for the day or the season or this decade or for the rest of my life, I will still be a woman.
The Pleasures of Summer
With all that said, let’s proceed - content warning, I guess - some of this can get rather lengthy, Tolkien style, but also quite sensual blablablah, so skim or skip if that’s not your speed:
Harvesting leeks barefoot in the garden, toes crunching and digging into sandy soil, fingers deep in sand, the strain of my arms and the rich and fresh aroma and satisfying sighing giving way of the leek roots as I pull a leek loose from the ground,
A meal of mussels in white wine and garlic sauce, eaten with only my hands in a quiet restaurant with only one other table of elderly diners murmuring and clinking nearby. Shoestring fries dipped in mayonnaise, salt and sauce shamelessly licked off my fingers one at a time, juices running down to my elbows
Standing hidden, alone, and barefoot outside the basement door as it rains lightly, tomato vines hanging by my head, heavy with fruit
Snuggling into the big bed with bedsheets and blankets smelling of sunshine, just doing nothing, going nowhere